Embrace the martians

by Kid Cudi.

If I remember well, I played this song all april long in my MP3 player.

Of course, at that time it worked just fine… contrary to now, as its jack is as stable as Charles Manson.

Spent a very short week-end with Liv. Man that was fast but damn good, and no, I’m not referring to naughty stuff. Right ?

I’m becoming soft.

That’s probably for the best.

or not, we’ll see.

-

April

AKA the aftermath.

Man, March was as tough as it is a fucking blurry space in my head.

Or a blank.

Can’t decide.

April’s pretty much like it, gotta admit.

I just know that’s when I really met Liv.

12th.

We were to be together a month and a half later.

So I started to feel good again.

Even before Liv.

I saw people who were kind of interesting.

Other muses.

Still was pretty intense despite the fact N. wasn’t around anymore.

Another kind of intense.

- Is it me, or every time you see somebody kissing somebody else on TV, you feel the lips of your gf on yours? I mean, you imagine them, since she isn’t around. -

Totally forgot to mention that Kanye West was with me all through the year.

Late Registration / Graduation (my favorite) / 808’s and Heartbreak

listening to “Welcome to Heartbreak”.

Seems like everything has more sense when you’re not in a couple. Looking at the title makes me wonder of what I felt when I listened to it before Liv was around, you know. And the only thing I can think of is the fact that it meant something it doesn’t mean anymore since my feelings for her erases the bad memories of the past.

maybe that’s for the best.

who knows ?

not me.

*Come back after an hour or so*

So apart from O. and I trying to find each other…

From the aforementioned night. Note the Pentax ME Super on the left side.

So apart from that night, I kinda remember the awesome/awful week we had with Arnaud…. well, a week after.

…friggin amazing, when I look back at it.

Cigars; Black Label … Wong Kar Wai & Woody Allen movies…

Plus the last night at the D3… that was terrible.

I mean, it wasn’t a real “medicine party” like the one I’ve been to back in da days with Patou.

During this week, I talked back to N.

2A.M.

facebook.

yeah, the scenario sucks.

But there was a big storm at my door.

At her’s too.

she was online, she talked to me…

“When you’re no longer attached to someone, it’s so damn easy to trick them.”

Please don’t mind the possible inaccuracy.

So I tricked her.

1st step of my “evil plan.”

she disconnected at 3.30 or so.

Had nothing to say back.

Japanese idiot.

whatev’, the following would be much more interesting.

Planning stuff to crush her soul.

I knew it’d bind me to her until it was done.

T’was worth it though.

More about that next month.

-

I feared this summer. My freshly started relationship I have with Livvy seems to do good though. More than I could have hoped at first… but she’s fighting, and so do I.

This week we took the time to take the time.

It was worth it, too.

Now that I’m done with april, I feel this year is now behind me.

Of course, the best for me was yet to come.

La preuve

Anyhow, I’m out.

Gotta wake up at 8.30 or so to see Yann @ 10ish.

Gee, this week will be busy as the previous one… but I’ll make room for O.

I hope she won’t destroy her friendships to be with me though.

Might seem to be very egocentric said like that … and yet I’m afraid she’ll put her friendships on hold.

I sincerely hope she will not.

wow.

lotsa hope in these sentences.

focus.

Les vacances again with her this week-end.

feels good man.

feels good.

laters.

Citadel

…by Anna Nalick is the song that accompanied me all through this day, along with “Winding Road” by Bonnie Summerville.

Was with Livvy today.

Feels like I lived a whole week with her and we didn’t do a thing.

T’was frigging perfect, IMO.

At last; taking time.

…and pictures.

hey, you know me, I’m never really out without a camera on me and what I say here is always what doesn’t happen IRL.

This is how I see her, but as she told me : she doesn’t see herself like that.

Maybe she never will.

I do.

50 F/1.4 with the K10D.

Oh yeah.

That’s probably how she sees herself when she pouts a little.

Love the ambiance on this one.

She looks frigging gorgeous with her – now – “blonde hair”.

Never have thought a blonde could do this effect on me.

But, then again, first of all she isn’t any blonde. She’s mine.

And second of all I’m a poor judge since I have feelings for her.

Still, I consider the second shot quite good.

the first one is more … about fun.

Even though I’ll do march in a couple of minutes, I have to tell you folks : there is no way remembrances taint this day. It was frigging perfect. Hear me ?

The best day of 2009 so far.

-

March

Continuing my journey through the year – a therapy as I call it – for the acceptance of your past is the best way to deal with it.

So March.

Can’t remember much of march.

Strikes during the day occupied most of my time / mind.

Along with stupid series episodes.

Being with other people than during your everyday life.

Wolfgang & Raphael, mostly.

They’re … strange.

but it’s intoxicating when you roam with them.

During the nights.

Still party after party.

I’m not too proud of myself about that, and yet …

but I had to make choices, specially with P.

Tough choices, but I had to make them.

I was going berserk, remember, and … Arnaud followed me through this.

We shared stuff we never could imagine doing.

Speaking of which, never thought I’d be a night runner one day.

Did that with Patou one dark night.

Never felt so free in my life…

and the Spooks’ music fit so well.

Amazing.

Didn’t sleep till 3 A.M.

Too amazing to be true.

Being a superhero.

Also, that was the night I started to love nights in Rouen … because I didn’t fear the streets anymore.

The streets that were so crowded during the day were a second home to me.

Even though I always came back to my flat.

But my flat didn’t feel like home at that time.

Still doesn’t totally anyway.

Don’t have too much to say about march. Don’t remember much, anyway.

Oh yeah, the Arnaud’s birthday party.

What a mess.

Also Hélène’s birthday party.

Little better.

Berserk

seems to be the only word reasonable to describe what happened from February to the middle of May.

Shown my shots of the wedding to the wife.

Worked out fine.

Good for me.

-

February

Are you familiar with the word “turning point” ?

Cuz February was a turning point in my life.

The turning point in my life.

First of all, classes stopped.

Strikes began.

Photographic opportunities started too.

With strikes, my usual “routine” of weeks ended quite abruptly.

and I’m a guy who likes routine for I don’t like chaos in my life.

but the turning point happened during the night between the 12th and the 13th.

with N, of course.

Bloody Beetroots x Steve Aoki concert.

Paris.

Hell.

I mean, people think Hell is to be found on a battlefield, with the belly of pregnant women wide open and children buried till their head with tank rolling over them.

I’d say it’s only Earth; only the bad side of it.

Humans at their most primitive/almost primal condition.

For many it’s their Hell and I don’t know what’s your past, but mine doesn’t include such horrors. Therefore I’m not calling this Hell.

I’d describe Hell as something very personal, where your soul is exposed and vulnerable.

So I’ve been in Hell.

And damn, Succubus are hot as Hell.

on crack too, probably.

Muses on crack.

Still haven’t figure where to draw the line between muses & succubus.

but that’s the night when N and I drew a line between us.

and never crossed it until May.

The line that would lead me to many things … mostly bad things, gotta admit.

The line that would change my state of mind and relations with women as a whole.

For Mélanie broke up from a relationship and … I kinda knew we were heading toward a wall.

but N … I was idealistic.

That’s when I switched from “emotional” to “efficient”

That’s when I started to focus on me and not on “us”.

a week later I was with someone else.

with P.

But right from the start it was complicated.

Too good to be simple.

Too good to be true, to use a cliché.

Also, I promised myself not to fall once more for the trap that is long-distance talking.

I mean, where’s the relationship when you only talk and cannot feel the others breath.

or heartbeat.

or whatever.

Tried to be romantic on this one.

Even though it’s easier than back then, I still have a problem being romantic.

Hank might have influenced. And Jason too.

Anyhow.

Got a bad conscience since those 3 days with her.

or was it 4?

can’t remember.

Could check though, but I don’t want to.

After that … started parties after parties.

at least twice a week.

Started to sleep only at 1AM.

Never stopped from doing so since then.

maybe a couple of time I started to sleep at 11pm.

or at midnight.

still it was very occasional.

still is.

Yeah, that’s how the shit started.

only by a simple night in Hell.

3 redbulls.

couple of shots – no pun intended.

Electro music.

And a Japanese muse.

Turning point.

Consequences tomorrow.

or the day after.

The last supper

is pretty much what we did with Philippe tonight when we went to the Japanese restaurant for the 3rd time together since he started his year in Spain.

Now he’s back for good in France, and we had our usual Japanese supper at the same place as usual.

went out and saw the latest Allen too. “Whatever works.”

It’s a good one. Pretty intellectual though, but still it’s a good one.

-

January

This month started … pretty weirdly.

I wrote a little for my text that was called 西洋将棋 at the time. It was really the first thing I did this year. And it was about a break-up with a Japanese girl.

Funny, you might think.

Proleptic … as usual.

Chinese say that the future is the past.

Maybe it is.

I let you meditate on that.

Speaking of Chinese, that’s when I read the most impressive things about love and not only this, but also the most striking thing I heard from a long time : “Be Happier”

Damn right.

I remember watching Blindness while talking to Antonia about love and other stuff.

It was fun.

It was also because I started to feel alone without N. I wrote haikus to think about something else.

And the exam began.

And Naoko came back on the 8th or so of January.

You’re stupid when you’re in love.

you wait for hours someone who doesn’t care.

10PM.

11PM.

sending texts to know what’s happening.

midnight.

knowing she’s on the train.

1AM.

She’s back, going to your flat and you can’t do anything because you’re so damn tired because you’ve been awoken since 8 fucking AM the day before!

And she feels comfortable with you and doesn’t lock the door, put her toothbrush in your glass and you start wondering what the fuck is going on.

especially when you want to break up with her.

and you doubt your idea was the right one.

And the following day you’re wondering what the hell all that meant.

Except that it probably meant nothing.

Or maybe it did.

Never answered that question.

Exams continue.

till January 19th.

And you drink a fucking lot of the “Chinese bitch” AKA the 玫瑰露酒; Mei Kwei Lu …

and you black out.

and wake up the following morning at 4AM.

The party continues.

and you sleep at a friends.

at Joy’s.

It’s the only girl’s flat I slept into because I was too drunk to come back to my place.

Yeah, not really happy memories.

Although they weren’t bad ones either.

I know Joy a lot.

So does she.

Totally forgot to mention Morgane & Mathieu in the very good friends I had back in those days … I mean, apart from the friends I saw – and I still talk to all of them now.

Also the influence of George Carlin; Chris Rock and … FOAMY the squirrel!

Yeah.

January was … quick.

February would be … much more interesting.

more on that later.

g’night fellas.

#200

notes published since 2007.

…

yeah, is there really something to celebrate here – apart from the fact that I’m still bloging …?

you conclude whatever you want from this.

Just wanted to continue the journey I’ve taken with you, dear reader, by going into the month of December …

-

December

As much as I like November, I have to admit I’ve always both feared & loved this month of December; as days go by, you go towards Christmas and … plenty of stuff.

gifts, mostly, of course.

but also family meals.

you know the kind… however, since the family here is kinda small, I cannot say I’m bored with all the people and that I can’t remember their name or whatever spoiled little brat finds as an excuse not to share with his kins.

Back to this year : it began … strangely, as my relation with the muse tended to get more cloudy than I first wanted it to be. Hey, I don’t hate the player, I’d rather hate the game … except that I generally love the game more than the player herself.

Maybe not with Liv … that’s probably why she’s not only a muse – therefore here for a defined period of time.

I mean, I don’t “define” how long a relation(ship? really ?) with a muse last, but I know how long it might…

— I didn’t look back into the notes since … at least mid-2008. I did it just right now, cuz I was pretty sure I would be forgetting stuff. —

Yeah, it brought back so many memories … all of a sudden… wow, it’s overwhelming!

You may figure I use a more “direct” style than usual.

more linked with my memories, spirit and soul

or is it Anna Nalick’s song ?

November brought some awesome music (October too, but only its end), like Robin Thicke; James Morrison (new album), John Legend (too), Sam Sparro, Jamie Liddel (new album), and … well, some others too.

No wonder I’ve been so intellectually stimulated!

no wonder market/ad-boy makes nice sales figures…

So, getting back to the point.

-Put some Lidell.-

FOR REAL ( )

Man, one of the most striking thing of the first part of December was N’s changing behavior. One day we’d kiss, the other I’d barely see her.

bitch.

I wouldn’t have imagined that Jeremy’s words would have so much meaning than back then.

Started my passionate relationship with the shop named “Sens & Sens” at the same period.

and their three-fucking-euros candles.

Also with long – VERY LONG – bath.

Yeah, N’s probably much more involved in that that I would like her to be.

You’d think I still have feelings for her when I write stuff like that.

maybe you’re right.

or maybe it is the fact that I had feelings back then and that memory erases the bad moments.

or maybe that she made some stuff right.

maybe a little of all this.

dunno for sure.

who can, anyway ?

back to the point.

The second week of December was … probably a torture; both physically and mentally.

I had horrible abdominal pain that ruined my trip to London … because I had to figure some stuff with the muse.

because I had to figure some stuff with myself, too.

Seeing BeN back there was a relief, I don’t doubt it for a second.

Even though he was – and I too – idealist about the muse.

but I came back from London with new ideas…

and also an exam the following day.

haha, I nailed the mo-fo with a 17 and a “brilliant writing”.

probably the only time a prof wrote something like that on my exam sheet.

whatev.

bunch of morons they are.

This prof’s going to Paris next year.

What a surprise, hey ?

December, 2nd part.

Actually, the 2nd part started with the exam.

But I consider the 2nd part of December started when vacations started.

when N left for Italy and never really came back from there.

or maybe did she come back, actually.

Back in the hood, I had fun with Erwan – you know, homecoming and shit.

Even saw BeN on the 24th of December. I remember listening to California Dreaming in a loop during that period.

A sign for what was to come ?

Could be possible for God’s sake.

More about that in March

Man, this is the kind of period in my life I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. Even though I felt like shit. Even though I knew I’d be heartbroken.

As Cweeks wrote : “A heart does what it does best; it loves. Brain fucks things up.”

Word.

Yeah; I could write a lot about what happened back then.

Everything felt so … intense.

I guess I can safely say N was the most intense – intellectually speaking – muse I ever had.

Even though she’s fucking dumb.

I guess the contact with the foreign cultures indeed opens the existence.

wait

It’s “from wonder into winder existence opens”. Lao Tzu

Peace out y’all.

Les Vacances

et même si je sais que n’importe qui comprend les 2 termes, je sais aussi pertinemment que seule Liv connaît le sens que je donne à ceux-ci.

Je suis en train de prendre mon temps et de me reposer … 4 mois intensifs entre février et juin auront eu le meilleur de moi-même – j’ai passé le mois de Juin en mode automatique et sur les nerfs. Evidemment, les exams ont également contribués à cet état de fait, mais je ne peux m’empêcher de voir le lien entre mon manque de sommeil et … ma nervosité.

Néanmoins, je ressens (enfin?) l’été s’installer en moi. Chose que je n’aie ressentie qu’une seule fois dans ma vie; à savoir l’année dernière à la même période. Peut-être que Morgane contribue à ceci … partie en Chine jusqu’à la mi-août; elle se retrouve une fois encore en Asie lorsque je suis “coincé” en France.

Les variables ont changé, malgré tout, car elle ne part pas pour jouer à la touriste, mais pour travailler. Et les nouvelles ne sont guère réjouissantes pour l’instant … wait and see.

J’ai revu Erwan aujourd’hui, un peu comme dans le temps où nous étions tout deux à Evreux durant l’année. Ou l’été dernier – d’où cette “retrouvaille” avec mes sentiments & souvenirs de l’époque.

-

November

I always loved november – at least as long as I remember the month for having sense in my life … which would mean circa 2005 – and it gives me all I need to be happy.

Most of my relationship began in november – early november, to be exact – and this year 2008 was no exception.

November began quite stressfully : the “Asian night” that Arnaud and I prepared was … full of surprises!

Again, muses striked in my life – this time by a kiss … probably the best beginning one can hope for when it comes to muses.

- I gotta point out that it was a period in which the character of In The Mood for Love &  2046 influenced me in many ways.

A very dark and cloudy period in which … I had been so intellectually stimulated I felt I could have changed the world.

Made some mistakes though … too many hours sick and with myself only to communicate …

and think.

too much.

oh, and I had a crappy night the 27th with Arnaud and Joy. Too bad she’s leaving town to go to what I can call Hell.

Whatev’, so she’s leaving… she’s never really been in Rouen anyway, so can I call what she does “leaving” ?

More like stopping the pause.

No pun intended.

So I wish her well and hope

…wait a second, I “hope” ?

Maybe I do.

so I “hope” she’ll find what she wants there.

Even thought she fled it in the first place.

so bear in mind Joy (yes, I’m directly writing to you here) that even though you cannot escape from your past ( do you remember ?) , that doesn’t mean you have to be the same old person.

but I’m pretty sure you know that.

Godspeed girl !

Simplicity, complicity & long-time friendship

was all I needed today.

I feel … appeased.

Good.

Serene.

Watched “Rabbi Jacob” & “Odette Toutlemonde” with Dodie.

Cut the link with Rouen.

Much needed break.

- Got my year btw.

Arnaud too, and I’m much more happy for him than for me.

He deserves it.

I … don’t know if I really do.

-

Was with Livvy on wednesday & thursday.

Still need to find time to take time.

I need to take time with her.

Je le ressens chaque jour un peu plus.

Peut-être demain.

Peut-être pas.

Mot d’ordre : voyager léger.

De même, ne pas prendre de sacoche avec mes appareils photos.

Ou peut-être l’argentique.

Voyager léger…

et ne pas retourner à Rouen avant quelques temps.

Laters guys.